Changes, Experiences, and Saying Yes

It was nighttime on May 18th; my heart felt like it was going to burst. Wouldn't that make things simple.  It would all be over.  "23 year old dies of heart attack; probably nerves".

 

I asked Rachel, who was in front of me, if she felt the same way. Her reddened cheeks answered for her. I looked past our small enclosure. It seemed like every seat was filled. We got our cue, and went out to greet our audience. 

On the night of May 18th, I, for the first time, performed on a New York stage. This was the phrase that was told to me by supportive friends and peers. I needed to hear the reality of it to understand what it really meant. I performed a short play I had written in addition to one I had not write. I was nervous. The giggles had gotten me more than once during rehearsal and there was a long speech I'd always lose in the middle. Worst case scenario, I'd lose my line, hate myself, and an awkward silence would permeate the theater, ending only when I walked out of the room and went home.

But everything felt seamless that night (felt). I dropped zero lines and, while I almost cracked and laughed, my composure held and the scene remained intact.

I know this blog is mostly dedicated to my illustration process but this event was too important not to share. And it's not to say "look at this amazing thing I did!" (I do that enough with my illustration). Instead I'd like to look at how it was possible to do something I would think was relatively impossible.

It began with a recommendation. I was still in school and two writing professors advised me that an acting class would do well for my writing. I took it seriously and researched, asking my more experienced professor, Christopher Cartmill, if he had any specific school in mind for me to go to. He sent me to HB and suggested I take a technique class before taking any kind of scene study. This was a relatively inexpensive and relaxed school and it seemed fine enough.  I took a class that was a  combination of technique and scene study. Or so I thought.

The class was an involved scene study class of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest, a play I had never read before. I was very underprepared for the class and boy, did it show. I was the youngest person there and had the least amount of experience (none, in fact). However, I was able to use a writer's eye, not to act well, but to understand the text at hand. When it came to acting I felt very uncomfortable. I was constantly aware of my awkwardly still arms and hands. I'd hold my breath between lines and for the most part, I was physically and visibly nervous.

But I stayed at HB and knew I could take a different class, specifically beginner's technique. This was a perfect class for me. Not only was the environment supportive, but mostly everyone was in the same position as me. I went through the techniques in order and even spilled them over on the next class, a term ahead, a regular scene study class with the same instructor, Joe Daly. This class was also very different from beginner's technique.

Ages varied, as did skill, and everyone seemed to know each other except me. Gone was the support I felt from beginners' technique. Clapping was not allowed and I was the only one doing technique exercises.  Everyone else performed monologues or scenes with other people. I felt alone in my endeavor and thought maybe I should've stayed in beginner's technique. That kind of faulty thinking I eventually put behind me. In reality, I was being treated like an equal by everyone except myself and was blind to it for a majority of the class.

Then it happened. I was invited to drinks by the class. Each night I would go home alone knowing most of the actors went to a local bar for drinks and/or food. Finally, I was invited. It felt more like an acceptance. I had to say yes regardless of my coward's intuition to say no. "You don't know them","it'll be weird", what'll you say", there were many neurotic protestations that came to mind as soon as I was invited but I had dealt with enough of myself to ignore them and say yes.

Drink outings were fun and plentiful. It was there we vocalized our support and very constructive criticism was given while forging relationships. We became friends, I had people to work with and things felt right. One day, I was asked to join in a possible play by one of my friends who was in the class. The mere fact that I was asked in a way that highlighted my participation only made me say yes faster.

And on May 18th, family, colleagues, and, most importantly, friends saw me perform a short play I had written long ago and never would have even thought it would be heard. They applauded, congratulated me, and they continue to support me as I continue with my class. I'm not sure what to expect in the future, concerning acting, writing, illustrating, but I am damn sure, if opportunity arises, I will say yes.

Art

Where's the art, the pictures, anything? Well, the most recent development in my life is that I have a job. A real person freelance job (real is used loosely here). This gives me less time to write but also made me change my perspective on this blog. Its still going to mostly be about my art but when large important things happen, I still want to talk about it and not wait until I have a piece of art to pair it with. Similarly, if I only want to talk about a new piece of art without the life lesson, I should be comfortable with that. Hopefully this means more updates, with less text but the same amount of focus I have given each entry.

Also, just because, here's some art and sketches. Thanks for reading.

 

 

One of these is way older than the other.  Probably a little obvious as to what's what.

Starting, Stopping, Starting Again

One of the things I've liked the least about myself and my process is my tendency to start and stop projects. It happened a lot when I first started drawing, rather when I first got my tablet. So many visual ideas flooded my mind and I didn't even know how to use anything, my tablet, Photoshop. I was like a kid with a new toy. I had a few preliminary sketches but I mostly just dove right in. The problem was, at that time, I knew so much less, and basically doodled. It was fine, but I don't think I was learning enough.

I can go through my 2010/11 folders and see semi started projects. I can do the same with my early sketchbooks. It never feels good looking back at the projects I've given up on, knowing I started something and then quit. Even worse, after some time, I'd try to go back to the project and see if I could fix it or redo it. That has worked once, just once.  In reality, I don't really have a problem seeing old unfinished work; it doesn't seem entirely strange a phenomenon. In a similar way, I have many notebooks full of unfinished or unpolished stories, and again, nothing wrong with that, just part of the process, allowing me to learn and develop.

The problem however, is that the whole starting and stopping hasn't actually stopped. Most recently I began a project, I took reference photos, created thumbnails, sketches, worked on small details and spent a good amount of time on finalizing it. But I never finished it, I felt too inadequate and was basically stuck, a wall was in front of me and I had no idea how to get over it. This wasn't a lack of inspiration, it was a lack of technical ability, a soberingly painful thought. I thought I was done with this part of my artistic aspect. I was used to starting a painting, and finishing, being able to successfully imprint on a digital canvas the image in my mind, or even modifying it for the better. Starting and quitting felt like a big step back.

When I first envisioned writing this post, I had a general sense it would be me airing out a few issues, knowing it's something I need to accept, but the more I write about it and really think critically on the topic the more I change my beliefs about my artistic development.  When it comes to personal projects, maybe its not the worst thing in the world to start something without finishing it. Of course ideally, one would like it, but the important thing is learning from it. There are obviously reasons why I don't finish things, usually they're from limitations I have or feel I have as an artist. That is important for me to know what I have to focus on. If I finished every project I started, then I'm not challenging myself enough or I'm not doing enough to further myself as a visual artist. Yes, lately I've been able to work through paintings and find solutions but if every now and then I'm stuck, then I know I'm still on the path, one I never hope to finish.

Now for the art.  Introducing....Explosion Girl.

This was created in about...I'd say two weeks.  Or five days of actual working through it.  It was done very fast and I know why - I had an underdrawing.  

Some sketches I can thumbnail very roughly, make a larger sketch no bigger than a regular piece of paper, and then scan and create.  That's how I made my last two piece that I blogged about.  However, there is a lot of painting and re-painting done on the computer.  What I start with is never exactly what I set out to create.  However, with this sketch, I had something large and detailed already created.  I've even shown it before.  I created while I was in sketch night - blog post here. http://jl-illustration.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-society-of-illustrators-sketch.html

I loved the look of this drawing, the girl here looked to nonchalantly cool and badass.  So I ran with the cliche of having an explosion happen right behind her while she was just standing there, looking awesome.  

To be honest, I was fairly intimidated at the idea of drawing an explosion.  I looked at a lot of reference photos (google, I love you) and kind of noticed that explosions are just large swaths of color.  Reds, yellows, browns, and darks.  This was where I got after adding in some color.

To be fair, this is more of a second progression rather than a first, but the overall look is there.  Like I mentioned earlier, I used a lot of yellows, red, oranges and browns.  Instead of an explosion, I got more like a swirl of colors.  

And honestly, I was fine with that.  I looked at explosions and then at what I drew, there was no way I was accurately depicting an explosion in any photorealistic way, but that wasn't necessarily a problem.  I liked what I was doing and I knew I could move forward and do better.  After applying a few duplicate layers of what I had, giving the painting a more saturated, contrasted look.  I also added a sky and cleaned up the fine details (shadows, edges etc).  There are fine details that aren't immediately noticeable and probably won't be unless you look really close.  I like that, even if no one else sees it.

To me, this is still Explosion Girl.  Perhaps to others it might not be clear or even an idea in their head that there's an explosion going on behind this badass girl.  I'm okay with that, I chose to depict this explosion in a manner that I think is fairly unique to my aesthetic sensibility.  And, what makes me feel best is that the late Bertram Katz might be proud of this piece.  I'm not mimicking reality, I am making it my own.

Moving Forward: Now You Too, Can Buy My Art!

 Moving Forward:

Now You Too, Can Buy My Art!

 

 

 

Hello again, thought I'd drop in and give everyone an update on things.  

I have been busy with other non-illustration-related things unfortunately.  I am officially on the hunt for a full-time job and I have an upcoming play that I will be performing in (better still, one of the short plays I wrote!), but that doesn't mean I have stopped illustrating or thinking about illustration, quite the opposite.

http://society6.com/JosueLedesma

I am now a card-carrying member of Society6 (card may or may not exist)! an online art shop that hosts innumerably artists and sells their art in prints, canvases, and more pragmatic cases for laptops and iPhones.  You can even get pillows with art on them.  Be sure to check it out, not only for my sake, but all artists' sake, there is some very very awesome stuff here.

Another more recent development is that I am now on the roster for Bushwick Daily's Sunday Reads feature, a collection of essays, fiction, poetry and excerpts (open submission to any writers!) with accompanying illustrations.  This is very exciting for me, not only am I going to be expected to do work more regularly, I'm doing work outside of myself which is ultimately the goal I aim to reach. 

I feel very good about these new developments and they only motivate me further.  I know had a steady amount of work coming in and it helps with my writing not only seeing other writer's work, but interpreting them in a visual fashion is, when I think about, literally what I want to be doing (once I can make a living doing so, I can breathe a bit easy).  Society6, honestly speaking is no way for me to begin to make a living; I'm not sure what my expectations are of the store, if I make $20 I would be proud but this storefront isn't a avenue for me to make profit.  This is a sign to myself that says "I am not scared to show people my art, and perhaps, even let them buy it."  My career is growing, I can tell, albeit in gradations.  

When I began this entire thing, about two years ago, I worked in seclusion, afraid to show people what I was creating, content with mere vague descriptions of "drawing."  Never would I offer or tell someone that, yeah, I can draw or create something for a poster, a cover, or anything.  My support group consisted of podcasts, books, and videos.  Now, I have a twitter account, this blog, a storefront and I'm working for a publication.  My twitter audience grows weekly and I can communicate with artists I admire who are more than willing to help me with anything I can ask, whether relating to art, software, or the industry itself.  I love sharing both my process and my finished artwork with anyone who is willing to listen, and I am very close to having my own website, my own portfolio site, and hopefully, a paid piece somewhere on paper or on a webpage.  Those are my more immediate goals, though, to be honest with myself, I have been caught up in other non-art related projects.

But, again, that doesn't mean I haven't stopped creating new art, and I wanted to talk about my most recently posted artwork.  I didn't have a title until after I finished it, it's now called The Expansion of Horizons (seen above).

This was the first piece of art I created from scratch on the computer.  I had recently finished Noah Bradley's 'How to Start a Painting' Video and his cinematic canvases and sketching that began with values instead of lines inspired me.  I started with large swaths of grey and black, eventually finding a figure and a horizon line.  From the figure grew a cape and from the cape, I originally played with the idea of the cape breaking off into pieces and flowing towards the "camera" so to speak.  Still in greyscale, I had this image.

Once I had a concept, I needed to start the coloring process, a daunting and always scary part of my art.  I'm much more comfortable creating works in greyscale then I am using color simply because I don't feel confident when I use color; to me, I feel if I had given the image to someone else, their colors would produce a more beautiful picture than mine.  But, that's not something that would stop me.  

After playing with some colors and finalizing some of the objects, I realized I had the figure in an awkward position so instead of redrawing her and redoing that section, I gave her a large dress.  A bit of a cheat, I know, but not one that clashes with the original image.  The dress was actually one of the more time-intensive sections of the piece as I used reference and needed to keep the detail top-notch.

 

 

While I colored, I felt somewhat dissatisfied with the piece, it felt very...digital.  As in, it was very obvious that I was using Photoshop and the entire piece looked inorganic and I didn't like that.  So I went back to the rocks and objects and roughed them up a bit, texturizing them so they didn't look so smooth.  That's why there are lines and dots all around it.  

 

 

After the color was finished, there was one more thing missing, and I knew it from the beginning - it has to do with my personal preference, style, and voice.  

I love outlines.  I'm not sure why - something about the contrasting outline that makes whatever's inside pop.  Maybe it has to do with my love of The Simpsons, of animated Superhero shows, whatever it was/is, I enjoy outlines immensely, especially when seamlessly interconnected with the art.  So of course, I had to outline what I drew.  After I outlined, I realized there was something missing, the grey horizon was not supposed to be grey. This actually scared me the most because I am very scared of color and how it can mess things up.  I toyed with a lot of different hues and finally ended up with a blue-green, ending up in this final piece.

 

I really liked this piece and honestly, the most fascinating part was that, up until the last few hours that I was working on it, I didn't know exactly what it was I was drawing.  I didn't have a clear picture in my head, but that was fun in and of itself.

Thanks for reading

Ego - A Willingness to Change.

Ego

Hello all.  I'm back.  For now.  Like I said, I'll be updating this blog spontaneously rather than on a schedule.  I even (if things went right) changed the title of this blog to reflect my personal feelings on where I am.  I have now created two pieces of art for other people and have been compensated for them.  That feels amazing, and I am comfortable saying that I am an illustrator.  It will feel even better once I create my own portfolio, and maybe my own website, which is in the near future. 

But, let's get to the subject at hand, which is Ego - specifically mine.  Here are two pieces of art, they are both flowers, poppy flowers to be specific.  

#1

#2

Now, which would you say is better?  Hard to say; I'm sure each has it's detractors and its praisers, and they are fairly different pieces despite them being both the same flower.  One is more natural, aiming for true colors and a closer representation of its look in reality, and the other is takes the idea of a poppy flower and plays with its reality.  One is simpler than the other.  

First, a little background on the job I had to do here. My sister came to me telling me she wanted a tattoo and asked me if I could draw it for her.  Now, I can feel like this is half a job, as in my sister is helping me out in my journey to becoming an illustrator by asking me to make something for her in exchange for x amount of dollars.  You know, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, my sister is doing something nice for me.  It's easy to feel that way and easy for my inner critic to put myself down.  But, this isn't just any commission, I'm not putting this on a paper and having her put it on her wall for a temporary amount of time.  This is a tattoo commission; what I end up on creating will be on her skin forever, this is a big deal and I treated it so. 

I said yes of course and she had a flurry of ideas, pictures, sample tattoos and looks she was going for.  I don't know if this is a new fad, but the style of tattoo she wanted was new to me - the watercolor tattoo. I saw many amazing poppy flower tattoos that looked like an artist painted watercolor on someone's arm or leg, a temporary tattoo that would come off after the first shower.  I saw splatters of tattoo paint, "mistakes" arising from the too wet brush, but no, this was a deliberate style, and a deliberate look.  To make things worse, my sister didn't want a watercolor poppy flower tattoo, she wanted a psychadelic, technicolor, watercolor poppy tattoo.  Oh yeah, and there had to be a fibonacci spiral in there somewhere.  

I definitely had my work cut out for me.  

I began with research.  First I needed to know what that flower was (my sister had no idea).  Then I looked at actual poppy flowers (on the web).  A simple google search did the job.  I started, as always, on my sketchbook.  Here's what that turned into. 

I started and re-started many times, beginning with that spiral.  It didn't work out.  The spiral wouldn't make for a clean flower look and while I could try to make a flower out of the spiral, it wouldn't really look like anything real.  I gave up.  I instead picked out a few flowers positions I liked and sketched those out.  I'd show them to my sister (client) have her pick out the one she wants, and work my way there.  From the final piece, you can tell which one she picked.  

The hardest thing for me way creating the watercolor effect.  Luckily Photoshop had a watercolor brush but it was tricky and difficult to work with, though eventually I was able to manage.  The more I painted, the more I enjoyed what I was doing.  I liked the colors I chose, the shadows I created, even the stamen (center) of the flower, which is what I was most worried about.  But a problem nagged at me in the back of my head, even as I continued painting. I thought "where is the spiral, where are the crazy colors?  You've only done one out of the three things you're supposed to."  But then I thought, "but this looks so good!"  Eventually, I looked at the piece and it just...felt done. A strange feeling.  Usually I know what the final piece is supposed to look like, at least in my head, but here I didn't.  I did know if I kept working, it would lose its watercolor look, it's rushed, yet elegant style.  I was excited to show my sister thinking "this looks so great, she'll love it anyway."

My sister came over a few days later and I showed it to her. 

I sat down on my computer and she bent over me, and said "wow, that looks good...but..." and I knew I had messed up.  She asked where the different colors were, where the spiral was.  Yeah, the flower looked great but that's not what she wanted.  I weakly spoke out and told her where I was coming from, knowing I was already wrong.  I told her it looked good like this and adding both colors and the spiral would make it look strange.  "But that's the point," she answered, and I knew I was beaten.

Here's where I thought, this isn't going to be the first time this will happen to me.  An illustrator is commissioned to make something for someone.  That someone, will most likely be an art director, either of a magazine, a publication, a newspaper, or anything similar.  And they know what they want to see in the context of everything else.  It is my job to use my creative and technical abilities to create the visual that fits.  I'm not illustrating to please myself, though I should have fun doing it and should feel good once I'm done.  There are going to be times where I will have to change something, and even if I feel it's wrong, even if I feel it looks better the way it is, that's not up to me.  If I wanted to make art strictly for myself, I wouldn't try to be in this industry.

I had no choice but to pick up my pen, my tablet, and start working on the flower again.  I changed each petal a different color, keeping the dark-red center petal the same.  The spiral I still had trouble with, but my sister sent me another reference photo of the spiral doubled, much like a galaxy.  This helped immensely.  I looked at spiral galaxies for references and used that for the spiral at the center, however it was much more detached and didn't look like a compete part of the flower.  I was okay with that, the spiral looked like a foreign object anyway.  

Again I showed the flower to my sister but she still asked for more revisions.  More colors, more petals, and a closer integration of the spiral and the flower.  I was okay with it, feeling much more comfortable with the task.  Even the initial addition of different colors and the spirals didn't look so odd to me and I was still pleased.  I felt confidant in the final piece as I did what I was asked to.  As you can see, here's what I ended up with.

I got the okay from my sister, which felt fantastic but I still kept my opinion.  I still think the original flower looks good, especially for a tattoo, but I'm not the one getting the tattoo and I wasn't the one to come up with the psychadelic watercolor spiral poppy flower tattoo either.  But I was assigned the task, and I think I delivered nicely.  It's good to get a taste of the future - I'm sure other jobs will be easier, some will be harder, what I have to do is keep a level head, keep my ego from sabotaging my career and know when I have to step aside and do as I'm told.

Thanks for reading